Who We Really Are.

This weekend, I went home for my grandmother's funeral. Her 81 years were filled with heartache and struggle. Her father died when she was three, her mother remarried a man who was verbally abusive, she went through two divorces, she suffered from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and she lived the last few years of her life in extreme loneliness and pain. She lived a unfair life, and for this reason, I believe that death was a blessing for her. I imagine her coming home to her Heavenly Father just a few short days ago, and I think she must have been happier than she had been in a very long time. I imagine her free from her crutches, free from her constant pain, free from her unfair loneliness, confidently facing her parted loved ones. Finally liberated from her past life, she may have thought, "Oh, this is who I really am." 

Whenever I go home, this time and every other time, I am filled with reminders of who I really am. Being away at school, completely on my own for months at a time, it is easy to loose my sense of who I really am. Being around my parents, siblings, nieces, and nephews, I am reminded of the person that I really am. I remember that am a daughter, a sister, and an aunt. I am reminded of the traits that I came to possess while growing up in Nampa, Idaho. When I was driving and talking in the car today with my parents, my mom teared up for a moment while talking about how I came to be a part of our family--that she waited for years for the daughter who would complete her family. While listening to her talk, I thought to myself, "Oh, this is who I really am." 

Because of a veil separating us from what we once knew, it's easy to forget who we really are. We try to make our way through life, we become confused, we worry, and we struggle. Part of the test we face while we are here is whether we will remember who we really are. We are sons and daughters of the most glorious being in the universe. We are experiencing a small piece of eternity--a piece we know as "life". We come to think that our Father in Heaven is distant and removed from our lives. But in all actuality, He is very close to us. He can be found in almost every part of our days. He's here, willing and able, to remind us of who we really are.

Driving down I-84 back to Provo tonight, I looked out across the passing cities and saw brightly lit temples dotting the completely dark landscape. The thought came to me that these really are bits of Heavenly Father's home scattered across the earth. I am so thankful that we can actually visit his homes here on earth, feel his spirit and influence, and have the thought cross our minds, "Oh, this is who I really am."

A Vent Sesh: Life (Particularly Mission) Decisions.

I cannot count how many times in the last two days I have been asked the question: 

"So are you going on a mission?" 

While I appreciate people taking an interest in my life, I can't help but want to say back, "I don't know yet. Please mind your own business. Just because I can go on a mission now, doesn't mean I should go on a mission now."

Before you judge me for thinking something so bold, let me explain to you why I feel this way. A few months back, I would quite often be asked the question, 

"So when are you getting married?"

Again, I would want to say back, "I don't know yet. Please mind your own business." And I would be willing to bet that in the next couple of years, I'll start to be asked the question, 

"So when are you going to start having babies?"  

I understand that the people I know care about me and want to know what's going on in my life. But in life decisions as intimate and personal as missions, marriage, and family, more respect, tact, and kindess should be used. These big decisions take time, lots of prayer, fasting, and aren't just decided overnight. So please be patient and mind your own business while I try to understand and discover the Lord's will for my life. 

on my mind.

What's been dominating my thoughts for the last couple of weeks?

 

Decisions. 

Decisions for my future. Everywhere.

In 5-10 years from now, I realize that these decisions won't matter. But for right now, they're a pretty dang big deal. Decisions about where to spend next Winter semester, about dating & marriage, about school, about internships, about a mission, etc.

All of these questions constantly dominate my thoughts and fill my head with wonder, curiosity, and excitement. But still, there's always that ounce of worry penetrating every one of those thoughts as well. After all, I am my grandmother's granddaughter.

My grandma, the world's most accomplished worrier and lover, and me.  

My wonderful grandma diligently taught my mother, who diligently taught me that despite all of the whirlwinds of life, there is one sure foundation all can plant themselves on: Jesus Christ. While I can worry all I want to about the future and about making the wrong decisions, if I am doing the simple things each day to keep my foundation on Jesus Christ, I won't go down the wrong path. Things like meaningful scripture study, having a consistently prayerful attitude, inviting the spirit into each day, and being optimistic can provide a sure foundation upon Jesus Christ. 

Recently, I was reminded of the challenge President Eyring issued one general conference, where he said that he asks himself at the end of each day:

"How have I seen the Lord's hand in my life today?" 

For the last week, I've written this question in my journal each night, and I am amazed by the many ways I've seen the Lord's hand in my day. From having a meaningful talk with roommates, to having a verse of scripture speak to my soul, to having the opportunity to talk to my best friend for 10 minutes before she boarded the plane to the mission field, I have seen God's hand in my life in so many ways each day. 

When I'm reminded of this fact, I am reminded that I am capable of making these decisions. That it really will all work out. I don't need to worry. I don't need to stress. I can turn that over to the Lord, and confidently take one more step into my future.